Gender and Transgender

Before I begin this post, I should say that this post took an incredibly long time to write.  I have been trying to write this post for about 5 months now, seemingly reaching dead ends several times and shelving it for long periods.  Because this is an issue I still have trouble understanding, it has been very difficult to get my thoughts in order and to make sure it doesn’t say things I did not intend.  That said, I think I am happy with the way it finally came out and it was worth not giving up on the idea.

In the area of gay rights, generally grouped as LGBT, or Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgendered, acceptance of transgendered individuals is often considered the final frontier of widespread discrimination.  For example, there was recently a Canadian contestant in the Miss Universe pageant who was disqualified because she was not a “natural born female”, whatever that means.  I guess that is probably because being trans is not as common as being gay, so there are fewer of them.  Even in the gay community they often are marginalized.  I have to admit that, until recently, it is something that seemed so weird and abnormal to me that I didn’t really consider it as equivalent to homosexuality, in the sense of it being a fundamental part of one’s identity.  Part of the problem is that I thought of this as just feeling uncomfortable with who you are or not liking yourself.  Thus I considered this an issue that could be treated psychologically, or by not being so strictly bound to traditional gender roles.  After all, not liking sports and liking to play with dolls does not make a boy a girl and the solution to misogyny is not to become a man.  So through either therapy and/or social change, I was of the opinion that this would take care of the issue of people being “transgendered”.  Now I believe I have a better understanding of the issues involved and I will get to that shortly.

First though, I think my biggest barrier to understanding the nature of the issue is  the same barrier that much of society has to acceptance of gays and other sexual minorities.  If it is not a situation that applies to me, these differences can be very hard to understand.  I do not have the slightest concept of what it would mean to be transgendered; I have never thought of myself as anything other than male nor have I ever wanted to be any other gender, even for a moment.  I know being male  is the way I am supposed to be and I am quite happy with that.  The concept of feeling otherwise is quite alien to me and I have difficulty understanding how someone could feel they are the “wrong” gender.  Likewise, someone who is straight would have a very hard time understanding how a man could be sexually attracted to another man.  To that challenge, we answer: it is who we are and how we are made. 

But is that the same for the transgendered?  It now seems quite clear that is the case.  What really helped me to understand was several recent stories about children and gender.  Over the past few months, there have been many stories in the media regarding the experiences of children growing up in a home where gender roles are reexamined, and several in which children are convinced they are the wrong gender.  There are so many different stories out there.  One was a story in the Toronto Star last year (see what I mean about how long this took to write?) about two parents who were determined to raise their latest child gender-free.  They would not tell even their immediate extended family the sex of the new baby and were determined to provide equal access to the toys or activities typically associated with either gender.  I’m not sure I entirely agreed with their approach, but I do understand their goal, as learned behaviour and acculturation is a big part of how a child learns to be a male or a female.  For instance, their older son identifies as, and is acknowledged as, a male, has certain preferences and characteristics than many people would associate with girls, like preferring long hair and other “girly” characteristics.  While he certainly identifies as a boy, some people might look at him and think he is a girl, based on what he looks like and the activities he prefers.  Since this child had many problems resolving gender identity issues, my theory is this family wanted to avoid this with their next child and make the attempt to entirely sever the connection between sex and gender.  This way, whatever preferences the child may have, the gender expectations placed on children will not be an additional pressure on the child to ignore his/her nature and conform to whatever society considers acceptable.  I disagree somewhat with this approach.  While the goal is commendable, I believe it loses sight of reality.  The reality is that nobody lives in a bubble.  Kids will go to school, and even before that, they will be in day care and play groups where kids will learn that there are boys and girls and boys do “boy things” while girls do “girl things”.  While that is not necessarily the way things should be looked at, that is the reality that all kids are faced with.  Although I must say that part of my opposition to this approach was related to reporting that was not fully accurate.  In later interviews, the parents confirmed they were not in fact ignoring the fact the new baby is one particular sex and that the full immediate family was aware, but that they simply did not want any outside influences directing how the new child will see their gender identity.  I personally believe this is something of a Quixotic quest, tilting at windmills that cannot be taken down.  Societal conventions are all pervasive and I believe it is naive to think they can be changed by simply rejecting them.

Still, there are some children who know their biological sex does not match their internal gender and the recent media stories have shown me that for many children this is a long standing problem that has existed from a very early age, far before puberty.  One criticism of transgender identity has been that some people who claim to be transgendered are really gay and they believe they are the wrong gender because they are attracted to people of the same sex and they may think  they have more in common with the opposite gender.  Until recently, my opinion was that if these people simply were not as intransigent in their assumptions of how men and women are supposed to behave, gender dysphoria would either no longer exist, or at least become far more unusual.  But now I am hearing about stories of boys convinced they should be girls and vice versa since the age of 4 or 5.  And it is clearly not role playing or being unsure about what defines a boy or girl as these attitudes most often do not go away over time, but rather get more intense.  There was even one story about identical twin boys, one of whom identified as a girl starting at a very early age.  Now in their early teens, the transgendered twin is almost ready to start taking female hormones so she can grow up as a woman and not a man.  Interestingly, her brother (the other twin) is her strongest defender and seemed to understand the issue better than even the parents.  Even he knew his twin wasn’t really his brother but rather his sister.  And it was not any kind of judgement or loaded statement - simply a matter of fact.  He understood that in every way (except for the parts, I guess) his twin sibling is a girl and always knew that she was. 

So maybe gender identity is more than whether you like playing with guns or with dolls or if you’re attracted to boys or to girls.  Then what is it?  Damned if I know.  As I said earlier, I have a hard time understanding this since such a feeling is so foreign to my own experience.  If these dysphoria issues are appearing almost as soon as a child can communicate full thoughts, it is probably something inborn.  So is this genetics?  Well, the case I just mentioned involves two identical twins; by definition they have identical genetic structures so any differences must be the result of other factors (or perhaps other factors interacting with certain genetic predispositions).  By the way, the same is most likely true of sexual orientation, as there are known instances of identical twins where one is gay and the other is straight.  But again, it must be clarified that, just because something is not genetic in origin does not mean that it is something changeable.  We don’t really know how our mental characteristics come to be - and it seems not all is the result of conscious or even unconscious learning.

So I guess this post doesn’t really have an ending.  But since I think I was trying to answer a question or maybe solve a problem, there can’t be a real ending because I don’t really have any answers.  All I have is a bit more understanding and respect.

The Separate School Board

Recently, there was yet another gay teen who was bullied and took his own life. Jamie Hubley was 15 year old student at an Ottawa, Ontario high school. I firmly believe that the schools need to do a far better job to combat bullying and discrimination, but that is not really the topic of this post. What caught my attention was one detail of Jamie Hubley's story that connects with other problems in Ontario. The detail was that Hubley originally went to a Catholic school, where he experienced some very severe bullying. His parents did what they could; they offered support and moved him into a public school, but bullying continued there. Many people outside of Ontario may not know this, but a great many catholic schools in Ontario are not private schools, as would be the case for any other religious school. In Ontario we have two separate publically funded school boards; the regular public board and a catholic school board. Residents indicate on their property tax bills whether they wish their tax funds support either the public board or the catholic board. To me, this arrangement flies in the face both of the separation of church and state and of the very principles of public education.

It should be pointed out that the separation of church and state is not quite as sacrosanct in Canada as it is in the United States and, less than a century ago, most schools had a religious affiliation. My parents grew up in Montreal and, when they went to school, there were two school boards: one protestant and one catholic (actually there were four - protestant and catholic each had an English and French board). Now my parents are anglophone and Jewish, so any school board was affiliated to a religion not their own. Some time ago, the system was overhauled and the church was taken out of the public school system. The Catholic board became the French school board, while the protestant board became the English school board (English catholic and French protestant had little enrolment and were merged into the larger boards). So Quebec has removed the church from their public schools, as has most of the rest of Canada. Yet Ontario continues to maintain the catholic school board as a publicly funded entity. No other religious group is granted this distinct privilege of having their religious schools funded by taxpayer dollars. In fact, in 2007 the opposition Conservative party of Ontario proposed a plan to, if elected, institute a voucher system by which people who send their children to private religious schools would be able to receive tax write-offs, essentially giving all religious schools a partial subsidy. This idea was quite unpopular with the voters and the Conservatives lost an early advantage in the polls to lose the election that year to the Liberals. I actually would have been conditionally in support of this idea were it not for the fact the Catholic schools would continue to be fully funded, thus leaving all religious schools still at a disadvantage. However, if the Catholic board were abolished I would support their schools being able to take advantage of a voucher program, as long as all other religious schools could partake as well.

Why does all this matter? Well, since public schools are funded and run by the government, they must abide by official government curriculum and fully conform with all provincial human rights and non-discrimination policies. As homophobia in the public schools will not (or at least should not) be tolerated, most schools have Gay-Straight Alliances (GSAs) or similar programs, at least if there is a desire for one. If a school principal or local school board tried to block it, the ministry would intervene as that would be against policy. Apparently, the Catholic board does not have to play by the same rules. The Catholic schools are allowed to include religious instruction in the curriculum and it seems they are not required to fully follow provincial guidelines if they are “contrary to religious principles”. Over the past year, there has been a push in the Catholic school boards in Halton region and Toronto to start a GSA, which the catholic board has been consistently blocking. There has been a great deal of overheated rhetoric and some rather disgusting comments, but the real point is that the Catholic board is apparently able to flout provincial law because tolerance of homosexuality is supposedly “contrary to Catholic teaching”. What the boards finally seem to be settling on, only after pressure from the education ministry, is to allow “diversity clubs” or “tolerance” groups - but they can't have “gay” anywhere in the name, and in one case they were not even allowed to use the rainbow symbol. Now, let me think, what is the original symbolism of a rainbow... oh that's right, in the story of Noah's Ark. So the ultimate religious symbol of peace and harmony is too contentious and symbolic of “the gays” and can not have a place in a “religious” school.

Now I am sure that intolerance in the name of religion takes place in other religious schools. The difference is these are private schools - entirely self-funded through student tuition, church or other religious association sponsorship, and private donors. So as long as they are not actively violating the province's human rights code they may teach whatever religious doctrine they please, even if many of us may not agree with it or if it is intolerant. But when a school receives public funding, whatever it does ought to be in the public interest. While you can choose to have your personal tax dollars go toward the public rather than catholic school board, this obviously splits the total available revenues. That means whatever goes to the catholic board is money that could have gone to the public board, so whichever option you select you are still subsidizing both school boards. Despite this public funding, the catholic schools are still permitted to include religious instruction in the curriculum and they are currently insisting that they not be required to teach anything that contravenes their religious principles. If their religious teachings state that being gay is unacceptable, then they can claim that not only do they not have to teach anything about gay issues (if that ever becomes part of the curriculum) but they can refuse to allow students to form a Gay-Straight Alliance. So how does a gay Ontario resident feel, having their tax dollars go (indirectly) to support a school system that will teach kids that you are sinful and ought not to exist? It would serve us well to remember that so much of the most vitriolic homophobia out there today uses the pretext of religion to justify the hatred.

Unfortunately, I don’t really see any prospect of this arrangement changing any time in the near future. There is simply no political will to undo an arrangement that benefits the Catholic Church, which represents a very large number of voters and wields considerable political clout. In the recent election, only the green party was saying anything about disbanding the catholic board, all the parties with any significant vote share are not contemplating any such thing. But if we are serious about equality in education, we cannot continue to support a school system that allows inequality.

Hawaii Pono

Yesterday, Hawaii’s Governor Neil Abercrombie signed Hawaii’s civil unions bill into law. The law will become effective next January 1, but it is finally done. A few posts ago, I mentioned that this is in keeping with the Aloha Spirit, and the general attitude in Hawaii. Below is footage of the signing ceremony. The first 3 and a half minutes, his opening remarks, are particularly interesting, as he reflects on how this is a natural step in Hawaii’s progress and in keeping with traditional values. The theme of inclusiveness and justice certainly run through Hawaiian language. He’s very impressive - Hawaiians elected the right governor.



He briefly touched on the concept of ho’oponopono. This is an ancient Hawaiian conflict resolution process which is kind of a cross between a prayer circle and mediation. It means “to make right”. The Hawaiian word for righteousness is “pono”, but it also implies a sense of justice, and ethics, as well as morality. And the title I used for this post, Hawaii Pono, refers to a good or just Hawaii.

It's beautiful to see outmoded, intolerant thinking starting to drift off into the sunset

Out On The Ice?

I have been following a recent series of news stories that relate to the anniversary of a tragic event that occurred last year. A young collegiate hockey player, Brendan Burke, who had just become the first openly gay hockey player at a major US college, was killed in a car crash. His coming out was significant for two reasons. First, no professional team sport athlete in North America has yet come out. Secondly, Brendan was the son of Brian Burke, the General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs, one of hockey’s most storied franchises. Brian is a revered figure in the hockey world for his managerial skills and his reverence for tough, hard-nosed players. Now, on the first anniversary of his death, several articles have been published that address the possibility of an NHL player coming out. There are two Toronto Sun articles dealing with the topic, as well as some posts in an interesting blog that covers stories about LGBT issues in sports - OutSports.com.

I recommend reading the following two articles in the Toronto Sun:

"Burke's Legacy Opens Door To Gay Players"

"Avery Would Support A Gay Player"


And two posts from OutSports.com - Jock Talk Blog

"Sean Avery Would Support Gay NHL Player"

"NHL Players Say They Have Gay Teammates"


Now there is no disputing that there are gay hockey players currently playing in the NHL. The league has 800 players to have played at least one game this season so it is obvious that some of them are gay. Now some probably don’t care and may not choose to come out even if it were easy to do. But being in the closet is hard, and I would assume there are many who would not want to keep this part of their lives secret. But to date no professional hockey, baseball, football or basketball player has come out while still an active player. Recently there were possibly two NHL players who were almost ready to do so. They consulted with Canadian Olympic Champion Mark Tewksbury, who frequently gets involved with LGBT issues in sport. In the end, these players chose not to come out, but the atmosphere could possibly be changing. Brian Burke’s strong support of his son, possibly changed some impressions about how accepted out players might be, and Tewksbury believes Burke’s support can be an important factor for change. The Toronto Sun article quoted a few NHL players and other individuals connected to the NHL that had encouraging messages that they would accept openly gay teammates. Daniel Alfredsson, captain of the Ottawa Senators said

“I just believe that it is a person’s right to be what they are. If they are gay, it would probably be really hard to have to hide it all the time. There will always be people opposed to it, I suppose. But I have a feeling that overall, it would be accepted.”


An even stronger statement was made by Sean Avery of the New York Rangers. It should be mentioned that Sean Avery is described by hockey writers as “outspoken” and on the ice is an “agitator” or “pest”. For those that don’t speak sports-page-ese, this means he is an unrepentant pain in the ass who can’t keep his mouth shut. Fans of his own team love him, but players and fans of other teams hate him (or possibly love to hate?). He told the Sun :

"If there's a kid in Canada or wherever, who is playing and really loves the game and wants to keep playing but he's worried about coming out, I'd tell him to pick up the phone and call (NHLPA [players’ union] executive director) Donald Fehr and tell him to book me a (plane) ticket.

"I'll stand beside him in the dressing room while he tells his teammates he is gay. Maybe if Sean Avery is there, they would have less of a problem with it."

I think in this case he image as an outspoken agitator lends strength to the message. It sends the message “if anyone messes with him, they mess with me”. And also if someone as tough as him has no problem with someone being gay, why should you?

Blog author Jim Buzinski has predicted that the first out athlete in North American team sports will come from the NHL, and I think I agree with his reasoning. In a post for OutSports (click here to read his article - I have elaborated on a few points), he wrote that the first reason is that the culture of the NHL is less American, as the largest segment of NHLers are Canadian with many Scandinavian players as well. I would add that, although there teams located throughout the USA, including in some conservative areas such as Carolina, Atlanta and Nashville, there are hardly any players that actually originate from these places. Most of the Americans in the league are from more progressive states such as Massachusetts, and New York. Another reason is that it is the least watched of the major pro sports in North America, meaning the players are not as big celebrities as in other sports. Finally, the other sports seem to be more infused with public expressions of religion. As Buzinski says “I can hardly remember a hockey player thanking God for scoring a goal”. While I have maintained that you can still be religious and Gay, these public displays such as thanking God for touchdowns or awards or what have you have little to do with real faith but are more showing the fans they have the “right” motivations. That kind of religious expectation is not likely to be gay friendly.

An additional reason is that I believe that, overall, hockey players tend to be better educated than those in other sports, and more knowledge generally leads to greater tolerance. Canadian junior leagues ensure players keep up solid academic performances and, while US colleges do offer full scholarships as in other sports, there is less competition for the top prospects, so there appear to be fewer “free ride” scholarships given, at least not without an emphasis on maintaining academics. Also, some of the more competitive collegiate hockey teams are strong academically as well. Nearly every Ivy league University, including Harvard and Princeton, have top level hockey teams.

I would be very interested to hear if any of you have thoughts on this topic.

A little off topic, but I’d like to close the post with this picture, as it has a hockey theme, but with an unusual twist. The two flags are for the Montreal Canadiens and the Vancouver Canucks, two Canadian NHL teams. They are in front of Oceans sports bar in Kihei, Maui, Hawaii. I thank my traveling photographer for the pic. (love you!)

We don't get those kind of trees in Montreal - or anywhere in Canada! Source: EG

The Two Sides of Me

Before I begin my first post of 2011, I must first wish a Happy Birthday to my mom. Yes, she was born on New Year’s and, as a result, it’s almost impossible to forget her birthday. Happy Birthday and I love you!!

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In the About Me section on the sidebar, I mention that Evan is not my real name, and I believe I very briefly mentioned why I chose this name in an early post. In the past month, more people who know me in real life have begun to read my blog and I have plans to expand my readership. That is why at this point I have decided to tell everyone my real name. My name is Asa Goldman, but apart from my name, everything I have told you about myself thus far is accurate. I won’t really be divulging many more details about my personal life than I already do, as some things must always remain private. I also now have several family members who are aware of this blog and I need to respect their privacy as well. So why am I doing this? I have told my new readers beforehand that I use a pseudonym, so why would I take this extra step? The reasons for that decision are the topics of this post. But before I get on to that, I would like you all to know that, for the purposes of blogging, I plan at this time to continue using the name of Evan here and on other blogs where I comment, for the sake of clarity and continuity. Feel free to continue addressing me as Evan, but if some of you feel more comfortable using my real name, that is fine as well.

This has a lot to do with the way in which I chose to come out and my discovery of this online community. I first stumbled across Amar’s World in April at a time when I was finally beginning to accept that I was gay. I was still not out to anyone at this time. I was hooked on the blog instantly and read it for a month before I had the courage to post a comment for the first time. Now as you now know, my name is rather distinctive so I was afraid that, if I used my real name when commenting, someone might stumble across these comments and recognize me, because there really aren’t that many people named Asa. So I decided to use the name Evan, after a family friend, the only person around my age I knew who was openly gay at the time. I’m sure that I’ve mentioned this before but reading Amar’s blog gave me more reassurance and the courage to start coming out. In June I began by telling my parents and, shortly thereafter, I decided to start my own blog. As I continued to develop the blog and do more online, including continuing to comment on Amar’s World and other blogs, I began to notice something. The first thing is that I found a community where I can truly be myself, where being gay is just part of existence - neither a negative nor an obsession. This community feeling, combined with the development of my writing showed my that, while I try very hard to remain true to myself in my writing, there were two distinct identities forming within myself. First there is Asa, the person I am in real life. I have always been very shy and quiet, and ill at ease in social situations. I say very little, especially if I am in a group or I don’t know the person I’m conversing with well. I have noticed that “Evan” is different. While Evan is still not especially outgoing and does tend to be very deliberative when it comes to social interaction, there is a lot more assertiveness present and he is far more likely to say what is on his mind. Now obviously both Asa and Evan are me. But Evan is a lot more like the me I want to be. I know that being too meek has held me back in many areas, including my work and getting an active social life. It seems to me Evan would do far better, with the same knowledge, the same personality, but more confidence and assertiveness. I realize that it is in part the anonymous nature of the Internet that allows me to be more forthcoming. Another reason Evan comes across as more well spoken is that, when writing online, I can take time to choose my words and be sure that I am saying exactly what I want. While it is probably only going to take you a few minutes to read this, I have taken almost a week to write it. If I were to do this in real life I would be taken for an idiot, as I would spend most of my time saying nothing at all. Unfortunately, this often results in my staying quiet during social occasions, as I’m not sure exactly what I want to say. Despite these complications, my goal is to try to transfer this openness to my offline life.

So why am I mentioning this now? With the New Year upon us, I see this realization that I have two sides of myself as an avenue for improvement. I never really had any concept of how I could become more assertive in my everyday life, but what I have been able to do as Evan gives me some possibilities. I was able to tell Amar and his readers through my comments that I was gay even before I went to tell my parents, and they were the first people to whom I was able to openly admit this. Since then I have told several more people and have now reached a level of comfort where I am fully comfortable with this information being generally known. It’s not like I’m going to walk up to people and say “Hi, I’m gay!” but I want to be free to make certain statements and publicize them through media like my Facebook if I so desire. And if the topic comes up in conversation, it doesn’t matter if friends or family happen to mention this information to others. I am not deluded to the point that I don’t realize there are haters out there but I honestly don’t have the time for it. If someone can’t handle my being gay, that’s their problem, not mine.

Well, it is now the year 2011. I have been writing this over the course of the past week, and I am now writing this section early on January 1. The year did not end the way I wanted it to, but I can see a new beginning for the next year. I will probably be looking to change my field of work because, while cooking is probably my greatest passion, I am starting to realize the restaurant industry is not right for me. The frantic pace, the lack of security and low pay are just getting to be too much to stomach, especially as I will be 30 in less than a year. I have a university degree and some experience in other fields, so there are easier ways to make money in ways that I can actually use my intellectual abilities. In addition to getting a better job, my other goal for the new year is to find a boyfriend. I spent this New Year’s alone, and I would rather not do that next year. One never knows if these future goals will actually be met within a specific time frame, but at least I have specific goals on which to focus. I am also trying to enter the new year with a positive attitude, and I’m sure that will help.

Being Gay and Jewish - Revisited

Some months ago I wrote about the conflicts present in being both gay and Jewish, especially for those who are Orthodox Jews. I wrote about a statement of principles adopted by a group of Orthodox rabbis that expressed understanding love, and acceptance - to a point - of gay people within the Jewish community. For those of you who haven’t read that post yet, it is from August 19. Since then, I have read a book and seen a movie on this subject which show different side of this issue, which aren’t quite so encouraging.

The movie was a documentary entitled “Trembling before G-d”. The reference to G-d is because the Orthodox adhere to the law that the name of god cannot be uttered. The Hebrew notation referring directly to God in the Torah is essentially unpronounceable, and when the passages are recited, substitute words are used. This concept, when transferred to English, leads to the use of “G-d”. The movie recounts the story of Gay Orthodox Jews trying to maintain their faith while still accepting themselves as Gay and living a normal life. Many of the religious authorities spoken to in the documentary, while they often expressed sympathy, would not accept that living as a gay person could be anything other than a sin and a violation of Jewish Law (Halakha). One rabbi, who cared and wanted the best for one of his congregants, still advocated change therapies. He had suggested this many years ago and now, when the congregant talked to the rabbi years later after no result from these “therapies” the rabbi could only suggest trying again, or celibacy. Apparently accepting his orientation as a part of who he is was not an option. This is a very different attitude from the statement of principles, but then the movie was made a few years ago, and the statement of principles was put out in 2010. This movie did win some awards when it was originally released and got a lot of attention, and may have even spurred the religious community to get together and begin working on a more acceptable state of affairs, which led to the statement of principles.

I wrote a brief note in my blog when I began reading the book but was waiting to finish the book before I share my thoughts about it. Now I am ready to give my review of this incredible work.
Mourning and Celebration: Jewish, Orthodox and Gay Past & Present by K. David Brody tells the story of Yankl Bradawka, a character conjured by the narrator/author, a gay Jewish man living in Montreal in present day. Yankl lives in 19th Century Poland in a shtetl, a small village generally occupied by the Jewish community. Yankl is a Hasidic Jew, a member of the orthodox community, as is everyone else in his village. The difference is that Yankl is gay. He desires men and has no attraction to women. The book chronicles his search for a way to fulfill his needs while trying to avoid discovery of his inclinations, which no one in his era can acknowledge as anything but unimaginably sinful and abhorrent.

It is difficult to write about the book without having the review turn into a spoiler, as the twists and turns begin early and drive the plot turns later in the book. One thing this book does very well is that it highlights the conflict that still exists today between biblical and religious rules and being who you are. Yankl is a religious scholar and thus is well aware that his religion condemns what he desires. He sees his condition as a curse and prays to God to be able to love women and live like everyone else. But he has also come to realize that when he is with a man, he feels complete and in love and questions how that can be sinful. Of course living in his era and community, it is next to impossible for him to fulfill his needs and he seems destined to a sad and lonely life. He also faces an arranged marriage, something he dreads, and more so when he realizes that he likes his intended bride as a friend but is revolted at the prospect of a romantic engagement.

I don’t recall having as emotional a reaction to any other book I have read than I had to this book. There were a few times when I cried reading this, and many more times when I almost broke down. The first half of the novel was particularly powerful for me, as in those sections I recognized many of the feelings that Yankl was experiencing and have felt those feelings of different and abnormal. Just as the author invented Yankl to place himself in his own family a century ago, I could imagine myself there as well, as some of my grandparents were born in the shtetl maybe a generation or two after the time period of the novel. My coming out experience was very positive because the people I care most about are accepting and understanding. Now I realize how difficult it might have been if I was born in another time. I was also drawn to the character of Yankl’s mother. Here we see a woman who in modern times, would almost certainly have been accepting and supportive. She truly loves her son, and has suspected for some time that something is “wrong”. The times and her worldview simply cannot allow her to conceive that two men could possibly have love for each other and that there are other valid relationships apart from heterosexual ones. But even though she does not understand, her love for her son remains. The author is very skilful in remaining true to the attitudes people would have had at the time but, through several characters, plants the seed of our modern sensibility. The facts they are presented with seem to contradict the established wisdom and at times some of the characters begin to wonder if they might be wrong. They are only passing thoughts, but we can see how we started to get where we are today. Another creative aspect is that, through the people Yankl meets, we are introduced to many faces of modern gay life. We see bisexuality, exploitation, true love, casual physical relationships, despair and suicide and even, very rare at the time, a straight man who is a true friend and not judgmental.

I would highly recommend this book even for those who are not Jewish or gay. Many Yiddish terms are used, as that was the language of the shtetl and a few Yiddish terms are still a part of modern Jewish parlance. However when he uses Yiddish terms or talks about Jewish rituals and practices, he explains them in such a way that there should be no difficulty for a non-Jew to understand. There is also a glossary of terms and the end of the book if something is still not clear. Even though some of the situations described apply more to Jews, most of the experiences would be the same for Christians or anyone else living at that time.

For more information, reviews or to buy the book, visit the author’s website at http://www.MourningAndCelebration.com

I suppose the true lesson of the book is that, while it has only recently been possible to be openly gay, we need to understand that homosexuality did not begin in the 20th century. There have always been gay people, who had to find some way to live their lives as best they could. One way Jews may have had a more difficult time is that, especially in medieval times, Christians had an option that Jews did not: the convent or monastery. While celibacy is certainly not ideal, becoming a priest, monk or nun was at least a way where they could live without being pressured into marrying someone they could not satisfy. It was also considered a noble calling. Jews did not have a similar option. Religious leaders, such as rabbis were expected to marry and have a large family. Celibacy has never had a place in Jewish society, which means there was no escape for anyone with no sexual desire for women.

Despite the history of intolerance, and the reluctance even in modern times of the orthodox Jewish community to be supportive of homosexuality, times are changing and tolerance is building. The author of the book is an Orthodox Jew and is active in his Orthodox congregation. His rabbi supports him fully. He wrote an endorsement that appears at the beginning of the book and the book is sold at the synagogue. And as I have mentioned at other times, other branches of Judaism tend to be more tolerant and gay-friendly.

The Anne Frank Tree

Before I get on to my post, I would like to add a further comment related to my last post. This week a Rutgers university student, 18-year old Tyler Clementi, committed suicide after some twisted individuals secretly taped him having gay sex and posted the video online. This is not an isolated incident. Just this month, at least four teens have ended their lives because they were being bullied or otherwise harassed about being gay. There have been several other incidents earlier in the year. I feel a little conflicted about even mentioning this because it is well known that media reports of suicides often lead to spikes in the suicide rate. Imitative behaviour and such. In this case, however I believe it is more important to tell the story so we can get the message out that bullying hurts and sexual harassment is NEVER acceptable. Let us remember Tyler Clementi and the other young people who were driven over the edge by cruelty. And I’ll say again what I said last time. Things WILL get better so PLEASE don’t give up. If you suspect someone you know is contemplating suicide, a site that can be a help is The Trevor Project. They also have a toll-free hotline (only available in U.S.).

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This week there was an important event in Jewish history that took place in Montreal. On Monday afternoon, a chestnut sapling was planted near the Jewish Community Centre and Holocaust Memorial Museum. The significance of this little sapling is that it was grown from a chestnut from the Anne Frank Tree.

For those who do not know, Anne Frank was a teenage girl (originally from Germany) who was forced into hiding from the Nazis with her family in an attic in Amsterdam, the Netherlands for two years, until they were discovered and sent to a concentration camp, where she died. Years later her father Otto, the only one of the family to survive, found her diary and published it. Since then it has become famous around the world, translated into myriad languages, and made the Holocaust very real for people who would not otherwise have had any understanding of it.

In her diary, Anne makes mention multiple times of a large chestnut tree that grew in the yard behind the workshop, above which she and her family were hiding. It was one of the few visions of the outside world to which she had access during this time. She was able to take comfort in its beauty and majesty. In the decades following the war, the tree has remained as Anne’s attic hiding place was transformed into a museum, the Anne Frank House. At over 150 years old, the tree was thought to be one of the oldest in Amsterdam. A couple years ago, it was discovered that the tree was dying, consumed by fungus and parasites. The tree was originally going to be cut down, but protests succeeded in saving the tree for the time being. A steel support structure was built to keep the tree standing. Unfortunately, last month a strong wind storm finally toppled the old tree. As it was known the tree was dying, over the past two years, many saplings have been grown from the tree’s chestnuts, to be planted in many locations around the world. Many were planted in Amsterdam and other places in Europe, and one was planted on the White House lawn in the US. This sapling recently planted in Montreal is the only one in Canada. Montreal was chosen because of the sizeable population of Holocaust survivors and of the Jewish community in general.

I have already been to visit the tree. I could not get as close as I would have liked, as the museum and the community centre in which it is housed have very limited hours this week, due to the holiday of Sukkot. Therefore I could only see the tree at a distance through a gate. I was still able to get a couple decent pictures which I am sharing with you here.



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In my last post I also mentioned Canada’s charter of rights and freedoms. I have since learned that the United Kingdom yesterday enacted the Equality Act, which forbids discrimination based on age, gender, race, religion and sexual orientation, among other things. Good for them and it’s about time. Read the story at It's Getting Better.

Rights and Freedoms

A recent post on Amar’s World was directed at gay teens, with the message that there is hope and they are not alone. A very inspirational and needed message and, in that post, Amar provided a link to a site called "Give a Damn". This site represents a network of people, gay and straight, dedicated to equality and gay rights. For anyone who feels alone or that no one cares, this site is an excellent source of hope and inspiration. I however had a different reaction to the site. What it showed me was that, even though there are many people who are caring and accepting, there is still far more hatred out there than I realized. Of course I know there are many homophobes out there and we still have to deal with hatred in many ways. I suppose what really surprised me was how little legal protection there is in the United States. The cases of workplace discrimination were especially jarring. Apparently in more than half the US states, discrimination in the workplace on the basis of sexual orientation is still perfectly legal. That means you can be refused a job, or even fired, just for being gay.

I am very lucky to live in Canada. Here we have the Charter of Rights and Freedoms, which offers a very broad spectrum of legal protections against discrimination of almost any kind, including race, religion, language, colour, age, sex and mental or physical disability. While not explicitly stated in the original version, charter rights are understood to apply to any group with traits that cannot be changed or should not be reasonably expected to change to get equal rights (such as religion). Sexual orientation is understood to be included in these rights and this has been confirmed by case law since at least 1998. It has the legal force similar to the Bill of Rights in the US - any laws have to respect the charter, otherwise they are ruled unconstitutional. It is because of the charter, at least in part, that same-sex marriage is legal here. Since many rights are reserved for married couples, the supreme court ruled that not allowing civil marriages to a couple based on sexual orientation was a violation of the charter and essentially compelled the government to do something to remedy the situation - the easiest way being to legalize gay marriage. Another important effect of the charter is that it prevents employment discrimination. If an employer does fire you for being gay, you can sue them and it is quite likely that you will win. The charter has been in effect since 1982, with the equality provisions taking force two years later, so I have no knowledge of how things were before these protections were available. This is why I was shocked by the lack of protection in the USA. It is doubly difficult because in many of the states that lack protection, there is also a deep current of hatred and bigotry that runs through the population. I am horrified at the large number of stories of parents who reject their children who come out. I understand that it may be a disappointment to you, maybe even a shock, but your child is the same person he/she always was. And NO, your child did NOT choose this, it just is. That might be the real danger of believing homosexuality to be a choice; parents may see their kid being gay as disrespect.

I also learned that the toughest time to be gay seems to be in high school. I certainly understand why and I know that, even though things are more tolerant here in Canada, I don’t believe it would make it easier for a gay student, as high school students are cruel pretty much anywhere. The only difference is that I would hope the school authorities are more likely to respond appropriately when homophobic bullying is brought to their attention. Personally I was not out during high school, and was not even aware of my orientation in a conscious way. High school was still a difficult time for me, since I was not very social and a bit of an outcast. I can only imagine how much worse it would have been to be openly gay as well. I am actually glad that I waited until an older age to come out. I had more confidence and was in a situation where I was more able to control who knows about it. In school, if somebody knows, then everyone knows. At this stage, very few people in my real life know - apart from my parents - and have decided that I will only come out if the topic is broached. Otherwise I don’t think my sexual orientation matters all that much in my relationships with family and friends.

I do not necessarily gear my blog toward a youth audience so I’m not sure if I have any young gay readers, but if I do, I would like to add my voice to the several already voiced and tell you that you are not alone. There are plenty of people out there that do care and will support you. It can really help to talk to someone. Ideally that someone could be your parents; if you don’t feel comfortable telling them just yet, try someone else you trust. It can be a friend, a relative, a teacher or counsellor at school - anyone that you feel comfortable with. I am publishing a few links here - others can be found on the sidebar at Amar’s World.



Give a Damn: http://www.wegiveadamn.org
ChadzBoyz: http://www.chadzboyz.com/chadz - a Canadian-based support site
PFLAG Canada: http://www.pflag.ca - Parents For Lesbians And Gays

For more information on the Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms, visit:
http://laws.justice.gc.ca/en/charter/1.html - The Official legal document
http://www.charterofrights.ca - virtual tour of the charter, including explanations and case law


In closing: just yesterday I purchased a book I first heard about over a month ago about being gay and Jewish. I have only started reading it and am already blown away. I will be writing more about this once I have finished reading it, but for now I will simply mention the name, author and that I would highly recommend this book to any of my readers.

Mourning and Celebration: Jewish, Orthodox and Gay Past and Present. By K. David Brody
visit the author’s website at: http://www.MourningAndCelebration.com

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To end this post on a brighter note, I found another link that has nothing to do with today’s topic. It is highly entertaining, especially for writers and those who appreciate writing. Visit and enjoy!

How to Write Good: http://courses.cs.vt.edu/~cs3604/support/Writing/writing.caveats.html

Being Gay and Jewish

I’m back from a long weekend in Washington D.C. and there is lots to write about. The upcoming posts many involve restaurant reviews, accounts of sights to see in the area, and maybe some other thoughts (but nothing too personal). But first, there is something that came up in the days before I left, that I wanted to share with you. Events over the weekend only served to underscore its importance. But this piece of news requires some background.

I have not mentioned it before in this space, but I am Jewish. I am not very religious or observant but I do identify with the Jewish religion and culture and I like to think I maintain Jewish values. I am very proud to be a Jew. In any religion, being gay can present many contradictions and difficulties. On the one hand, almost every religion is based on love and understanding for your fellow humankind. On the other hand, many religions have prohibitions against and condemn homosexuality. Judaism embodies both sides of this dilemma very well. There are a great many verses from the Torah and other scriptures that command treating people with respect and dignity. What immediately comes to mind is the statement of Rabbi Hillel: “What is hateful to you, do not do unto your neighbour”. This is actually the origin of Christianity’s Golden Rule, which became: “Love your neighbour as yourself”. On the other hand, there is a very clear statement in Leviticus that very clearly condemns homosexual activity. In addition, one of the most important things Jews are urged to do is to marry and have children. I was in Washington to attend the wedding of a family member, so these issues are very much in my mind right now.

In recent years, many Jews have been seeking ways to resolve the above contradiction. There are many branches of Judaism that vary most obviously by degree of adherence to tradition and Jewish Law (Halakha). Their responses to gay rights have accordingly been quite different. Reform Judaism does not require its followers to be bound by scriptural laws, but focus instead on Jewish values, morality and the connection with God. Because of this, many Reform Temples are very gay friendly, and I think I recall hearing of one or two openly gay Rabbis. Reconstructionists tend to practice their faith with more rigor, but holds that many of the ancient laws are open to modern reinterpretation. This is probably the most gay friendly branch out there. I say probably because I am not very familiar with this small group of Jews, but I know there are many female Rabbis, something impossible in more traditional forms of Judaism and I have heard it is also gay friendly. Conservative Jews are more traditional, but there is some leeway granted to the congregants in how strictly they follow Jewish law. Finally, orthodox Jews follow Halakha very strictly and are reluctant to accept modern changes. Many orthodox Jews who are gay feel pressured to hide their sexuality, because to be an openly practising homosexual is to openly violate halakha. Furthermore, this practical banning of gays seems to have engendered hatred and intolerant attitudes, including belief in the debunked notions that being gay is a choice or is an “illness” that can be “cured”. These attitudes now violate Jewish morality and are greatly out of step with modern attitudes, so the orthodox community has been making attempts to settle the contradictions and clarify the orthodox position on homosexuality. Recently, a book was published by a gay orthodox Jew in Montreal about living as a gay man and an orthodox Jew. Just last week, I became aware of a Statement of Principles developed by an international group of orthodox rabbis to codify gay rights in the synagogue and also to identify the limits of these rights. It also serves as a petition and invites Rabbis around the world to sign on to this statement. It was completed about a month ago, but it only came to my attention last week, when there was a news story about prominent Rabbis in Montreal that had added their signatures to the document. The overall tone of the Statement of Principles is one of acceptance and tolerance. The first principle states that “All human beings are created in the image of God and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect”. This basic point about dignity and respect is repeated several times throughout the document. The first principle condemns ridicule and harassment of homosexuals. Further statements state that gays should be welcomed as members of congregations, that Jews who want their orientation to remain secret should not be outed and, by the same token, those who are openly gay should not be required to stay in the closet, a statement considerably more progressive than the US Military’s position. Although some in the orthodox community still believe that homosexuality is a choice and promote “change therapies”, this statement asserts that, since the majority of mental health professionals reject these ideas and believe they could be dangerous, it is morally correct to reject these “therapies” if one feels them to be unnecessary or dangerous.

Some will feel that the statement does not go far enough. It very clearly states that marriage can only be between a man and a woman, and that homosexual activities constitute a violation of halakha, as distinguished from homosexual feelings. It also says that the orthodox community cannot give its blessing to same-sex affirmation or commitment ceremonies. I agree that it would be nice if the Rabbis had gone further and allowed these things, but knowing what I do about orthodox Judaism, I understand that it would have been just about impossible to maintain religious standards as they practice them currently. This statement was also produced as a result of debate and consensus among a very large group of Rabbis, which meant many people with a wide range of personal views needed to all be satisfied. Furthermore, if one reads the statement carefully, one will realize there are many things left unsaid that indicate a more progressive attitude, Although they can not approve of commitment ceremonies, they encourage synagogues to welcome and accept children of same-sex couples into the congregation and religious schools. While homosexual activity is prohibited, they state that

“We do not here address what synagogues should do about accepting members who are openly practicing homosexuals and/or living with a same-sex partner. Each synagogue together with its rabbi must establish its own standard with regard to membership for open violators of halakha.
Those standards should be applied fairly and objectively. “

What this means to me is that the rabbis are equating homosexual activities with any other violation of halakha, for example, violation of the Dietary Laws or other, far more obscure prohibitions that few people follow. Most orthodox synagogues are not overly harsh with these other open violations and the interdiction that standards be applied fairly and objectively ensures that openly practised homosexuality is no more severe a violation than any other. It is acknowledged that, while gay Jews cannot fulfill all the biblical commandments, or mitzvot, most scholars reject the notion that fulfilment of mitzvot is an all-or-nothing idea, meaning gay Jews can still be good Jews. Another statement implies that the only real criteria for special religious offices within the synagogue should be that the entire congregation is comfortable with the choice. This means that any synagogue can appoint gay people to the positions, if the members are comfortable with the choice. This satisfies the more conservative congregations that don’t want to be forced to be more progressive, while opening the door for those who wish to be more progressive. There is even more to the Statement of Principles, but this post is getting long enough. The full text of the Statement of Principles is available online, posted in English and Hebrew and is accompanied by a list of rabbis, educators and mental health professionals who endorse the Statement and have signed it. If you are an orthodox Jew and are in one of the above professions, you are welcomed to sign the document yourself by replying to the email address provided within the document. The link to the document is posted below:

http://statementofprinciplesnya.blogspot.com

I urge you to read the full document yourself and would like to hear your opinions on the issue. Please remember that this represents the MOST CONSERVATIVE AND TRADITIONAL form of Judaism and does not represent the majority of the Jewish community, which fall into on of the other branches of Judaism. Other forms of Judaism are generally more tolerant, even allowing gay Rabbis and accepting gay partnerships or unions in some form. I believe that, when compared to other religions, Judaism offers a very progressive approach. Perhaps some of you who practice other religions might know more about how your religion deals with gay issues. I welcome and encourage comments about this but, since I am venturing into religion, I will ask again that all comments remain respectful. Any hateful comments will be deleted. I don’t really expect any problems but just want to make sure everyone is aware of the rules.

Note that I have added some new blogs to my link list. I may be adding some more in the future if I feel they are a good fit for my site.

Who Is a Cook?

It is often said that those who work in professional kitchens are a breed apart and I concur. Some reasons for this are quite obvious. The work conditions alone are rather taxing. You are working for 8-10 hours (sometimes longer) standing up 100% of the time in a very hot kitchen directly in front of very hot stoves . The pay is quite low, unless you are an executive chef for a rather wealthy owner/corporation. There is no acceptable pace other than “faster” and inability to live up to these standards typically is cause for dismissal, or at least demotion. In addition to these obvious differences to jobs in the real world, there are other factors that make kitchen work unique. Due in part to the harsh work conditions, the tone of conversation in kitchens is very coarse and sexually charged (obviously in a heterosexual direction). Almost everyone works on weekends and quite often on holidays as well, since these are the times when restaurants are the busiest. Many chefs are very harsh and run their kitchens somewhere between a military camp and a despotic dictatorship. So why would anyone enter this line of work? Two reasons. One reason is not quite as true as it used to be but does still apply: people enter the business because they have no other productive options or do not feel at ease in a normal work environment. It used to be the only qualification needed to work in a kitchen is to show up and follow the chef’s instructions. Also, many forms of deviant and semi-criminal behaviour were tolerated as long as those aforementioned conditions were met. These circumstances meant that people who had few marketable skills or had unsavoury personal habits would still be valued members of a kitchen staff. It was certainly not glamorous back then but preferable to welfare or jail. The other reason is the more obvious one - a genuine passion for food and cooking. The desire to feed people and have them enjoy what you give them, combined with the rush you get from coping with very difficult conditions and producing great food that will wow the diner, yet producing it by the dozens or hundreds of portions in a matter of minutes.

So why am I doing this? Definitely more the second reason that the first - I have a University education and could have gone into other fields, although I did decide to enter the culinary field after my original plans to go to graduate school were not successful. I can state without hesitation that I cook because I love food and I love working with food. In fact when tasting something exceptionally good, I feel something close to a sexual turn-on. Lest this sound like a bizarre perversion on my part, I have since found out from some of my colleagues that this is definitely not unknown among cooks and chefs who are known to get “culinary boners” (figuratively, I assume!) On further consideration, I don’t believe this is restricted to culinary professionals. Cooking magazines and TV shows present food in ways that is remarkably similar to how pornography is presented, complete with airbrushing, touch-ups, moaning and oohs and aahs. And diners (for some reason more women than men) may describe particularly flavourful food as “orgasmic”. And of course, who can forget the famous fake orgasm scene in “When Harry met Sally” when Meg Ryan’s amazing demonstration of a fake orgasm in a diner prompts the old lady at the next table to tell the waitress “I’ll have what she’s having”! So obviously, there is a fairly deep connection between food and sex, which also may help in part to explain the usually crude and raunchy atmosphere in professional kitchens.

This deep association between food and sex serves as another explanation for the sexually charged tone of kitchen conversation described earlier. This can make for a difficult environment for a homosexual in a kitchen. Since most of the cooks are straight, the banter is heterosexual in tone and frequently tends toward the homophobic. And I do feel a little uncomfortable with this, since I am still in the process of coming to terms with my sexual identity and since I keep quiet about sexual matters. However, I do seem to be noticing there is more tolerance beneath the surface of intolerance. When I have actually talked seriously with other cooks about these matters, they are in fact quite tolerant. Part of this is because many cooks are sensation-seekers and, even though they are straight, some have experimented in the past and, when they are deal with someone who is gay, they are more tolerant than you would expect from the idle banter. Also, in many restaurants I have worked in, a large number of male waitstaff happen to be gay (I’m sure many have theories that rely on stereotypes but I’m truly not sure why this is).

So what was this post about anyway? Oh, right, it was about who is a professional cook. Or is it about food and sex? Maybe about gays in the kitchen? Well, it may not be the most cohesive of posts, I think it does show the importance of food and cooking in my life. Expect to see more ramblings about kitchen life.

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While I’m on the topic of homosexuality(sort of), I would like to take a brief diversion to draw attention to some recent events relating to gay rights, some good some bad. First the negative. The State of Hawaii in the United States had finally passed a bill through both state houses to legalize civil unions but it was vetoed by the governor, who stalled the maximum time allowed by law until congress was on summer recess and could not return to override the veto, which might have been possible as the vote was close to the needed supermajority. The governor instead favours civil unions be decided by popular vote, which will likely create a situation similar to Proposition 8 in California which used hate to overturn law. Rights for minorities should never be decided by popular vote, which only takes majority rule into account and not legal principles that ensures all are served. Hawaii has an election for a new governor in November and hopefully the voters will go back to the Democrats who are more in tune with Hawaiian attitudes and values. Contrast this with Argentina, which has just legalized gay marriage, the first Latin American country to do so. Finally in some more trivial gay news, the Stanley Cup, the championship trophy for ice hockey, won by the Chicago Blackhawks, was carried in Chicago’s gay pride parade in late June. It was carried by Blackhawks player Brent Sopel during his appointed day to spend with the trophy as he wishes. He chose the pride parade in honour of Brendan Burke, the son of Brian Burke, the manager of one of Sopel’s former teams. Brendan, a college hockey player, died in a car accident last year, not long after coming out, something very difficult for athletes in team sports. This was the first pride parade for the 117-year-old trophy, the most revered trophy in professional sports, but it is not all that unusual, as the Cup has a history of being brought to many different places.

A Different Kind of Coming Out Story, Pt. 2

In my last post I talked about coming out as a blogger and not being so interested in coming out as gay. In this post I would like to go back to that topic but view it in a somewhat different light. My recent experience with this process raises the question: Why is there so much mental stress associated with coming out and what makes other people’s coming out stories so popular?

The answer to the first question might seem obvious. There is still a social stigma associated with homosexuality and there is the fear that one’s parents will be disappointed with the news, or even reject their child. I do not dispute the impact of social stigma but the fear of parental reactions intrigues me. I would hazard to guess however, that most modern parents would not reject or shun their gay child, whatever their opinions may be about homosexuality. One would hope they love their children, and this kind of love comes entirely without conditions. Disappointment is perhaps a more plausible fear. Most parents eagerly await grandchildren once their children are grown, and knowing their child is gay may put an end to this dream. Also, some people, particularly in previous generations, still have homophobic attitudes and make disparaging remarks towards gays. Still, when reading a variety of posted stories, it strikes me that most stories have as a common element that the parents are generally accepting, even if some might need a little time. So, where is all this fear coming from? To illustrate this I will briefly mention something from my experience. I know my parents very well and was about 99% sure that they would have no problem with me being gay, but I was still very nervous about it and second-guessed everything my parents have said about the subject. Of course as it turned out there were no problems whatsoever - they were very understanding. They even pointed out that they had wondered and questioned me about my orientation years earlier but I had told them I was straight (I was not even able to admit it to myself at that time). So I knew there would be no problem and there was no problem, so why was I so afraid?

A clue may be that I was more concerned about my father’s reaction than my mother’s (the forthcoming comments primarily apply more to gay boys and men rather than to lesbians - I just don’t know enough about the experiences of gay girls and women to discuss the issues). Other stories I have read reveal more negative reactions and more fear about telling fathers than mothers. So perhaps the difficulty lies in the nature of the father-son relationship. In general, a father serves as a role model for their sons and fathers see in their sons an image of themselves. Sexual identity is certainly a part of one’s self image. Furthermore, many men further associate sexual orientation with masculinity or even self-worth. Therefore, if a son tells a father that he is gay, this chain of associations can be upset. It is quite likely that now it will be a little harder to see your son as being in your image (assuming the father is straight) and if you hold the aforementioned associations of sexual orientation and masculinity or self-worth, you might see your son as less of a “man” or even as less valued to you. Please note that I am not in any way supporting or validating this view - I think it is unconscionable and distressing - I am merely explaining how supposedly loving parents can react negatively to a child telling his parents something very personal and important to them. If you have other interpretations or believe that I am in error you are welcome to leave RESPECTFUL comments to explain your views. I welcome debate on this or any other topics I may raise on this blog. I simply request that you do not make any abusive or overtly insulting comments.

I think there is also another source of fear involved. Some may be afraid of admitting to themselves that they are gay. While they may look at other guys, view gay porn and even have gay relationships, there is a certain barrier to be crossed when making an open declaration that they are gay that can be surprisingly difficult to cross. This is harder for me to explain. One possible reason may be related to the social stigma of being gay. Another possibility, less likely, may be that by stating they are gay they may be closing themselves off to future experiences (ie. If things change and they happen to find someone of the opposite sex they are attracted to).

Moving on to the second question, why coming out stories are popular. One reason is simply that many youth that are questioning their sexuality want to know how other people in their situation dealt with the problem of coming out and accepting themselves. Another possibility relates to modern trends in media. In recent years media has become intensely voyeuristic. When reality TV shows first became popular about a decade ago it seemed to be another fad that would pass in time. Ten years later, there is even more of this stuff not only on TV but on the internet in the form of blogs, chatrooms and social networks (ie. Facebook). People seem to be enthralled with mundane details about the lives of strangers and if the story happens to be not quite so mundane, it becomes even more desired. In some ways I am fed up and annoyed with this trend but, at the same time, I am getting more involved in this practice (I mean I am writing a blog after all). My guess is that the reason this fad has not gone away is that we have permanently become more voyeuristic as a society. Why has this happened? Frankly, I have no clue. If anyone has a theory about this please leave a comment and give me your ideas. And yes I did appreciate and enjoy the irony involved in writing this last paragraph.

A Different Kind of Coming Out Story

This is my first post on this, my first blog. So, in a way, I am coming out as a blogger. Also, I am gay and recently told my parents. That is considered coming out too. There are many blogs that tell the stories of gay boys/men coming out (I assume that there are stories of females who come out as well but I have not read many of these). In general, they tell the story of what was said, how everyone reacted, the feelings felt afterward, and the ensuing consequences. I suppose I could do this, since I now have my own experience to share, but I won’t, at least not in detail. Suffice it to say that my parents were understanding, loving and accepting, only concerned about my happiness.

So if I’m not giving my story, why am I writing about coming out? For one thing, I had to first come out to myself before coming out to anyone else. Once the first was finally done, the next stage - telling those closest to me - came fairly quickly. Also, coinciding with my decision to come out as gay, was the decision to “come out” and begin writing a blog. This “coming out” is actually far more interesting to me and I’m sure will end up revealing more about myself than a mere classification of sexual orientation. And thus begins a different kind of coming out story.

Why blog? Well, for me the primary reason would be that I enjoy writing. I have always been somewhat of an intellectual so I think about many things. Unfortunately I also have Attention Deficit Disorder, or ADD, and as a result, my thoughts tend to range off in random directions. Unchecked, this would render my writing scattered and impossible to follow (if this description applies to this post so far, here’s my pathetic excuse neatly laid in). Recently I came upon a very well written blog from a brilliant young man named Amar. His blog, Amar’s World, is one my inspirations and is well worth a visit. One of the tricks he revealed to his writing is editing and re-editing. To me, this appeared to be an excellent way to keep my thoughts in order so that I could actually tell people what was in my head so they could understand. Eventually I may aspire to be a published author and this exercise will put me back into the practice of writing in a disciplined manner.

So why have I not started a blog already? The main reason would be that until I found Amar’s World, my impression was that most, if not all blogs were carelessly written and discussed matters of little interest to me. Amar showed me that there is a place in the blogoshpere for a writerly publication, which would be the only thing I would want to write. I realize that a sophisticated piece that considers intellectual topics may not have broad appeal but I am not seeking to be the web’s next big hit. I am doing this for myself and, if a few others find me and appreciate what I offer, all the better.

Another reason I have not started a blog until now is that I tend to be a very private person and do not like to share much personal information, yet I do have a need to share my thoughts with others in some manner. In the manner I have set up this blog, I think I may have struck a workable balance. You will notice on the sidebar that Evan is not my real name. It is the name of someone I know whose personal circumstances have had an emotional impact on me. By using a pseudonym, I can still tell people personal things but it is less likely that anyone I know in real life will connect me with this blog. Eventually, I may tell some people I know about this part of me, but for now I would prefer to keep these two aspects of myself separate.

So welcome to my blog. This blog will be about the things that interest me. Cooking is my profession, so food & cooking will definitely be a topic I will come back to repeatedly. I will also cover academic topics when they relate to something I am thinking about, particularly psychology and philosophy - topics with which I have some level of expertise. I may also offer my thoughts and opinions on news of the day. I will also allow you into my life and tell you (a little) about how my days have gone. I may discuss “gay issues” from time to time but don’t think that this is a “gay” blog, since this aspect of myself is not especially important to me. I would ask however, that you not hold me to this description as this blog is very much a work in progress and may change substantially over time. The only things that are for certain are that I will put effort into the writing and the style will be unmistakeably my own. Beyond that, all bets are off.

I don’t think I’ll be posting every day but I will try to post something on a regular basis. I like my posts to be interesting, thoughtful and well-written, which takes some time. This post, in particular, has been written over a period of many days. This means that even those posts that recount current events in my life will not appear until several days after the mentioned events. Do not consider this some kind of pre-apology, because I am NOT sorry and do not compromise when it comes to writing in the manner I want. I encourage my readers to leave comments on my posts. Share an opinion, give advice, ask questions or just comment on what you see. Since this is my first blog I’m not sure what the most appropriate filter settings would be. As I want to encourage dialogue, I will leave things fully open for now and see how it works, then change things if necessary. If anyone has insights to share on this issue, let me know as well. Hope everyone enjoyed this post (and also hope I’m not just talking to myself).